A Nero Wolfe Mystery (Sort of)
by
Yuchtar

       Susan Spinelli: legs that went on forever, hair the colour of midnight, eyes a man could die in ... that's what I was thinking as those eyes peered up at me from the passenger seat and I fiddled with the keys in the driver's door. I sure as Hell never expected to get my head slammed down on the roof of my car. It happened so quickly, my hands were fastened behind my back and I was shoved into another car before I even felt the blood trickling down my face. The car sped away with Susan's horrified scream still ringing in my ears.
       "What the Hell?" I asked, but the answer I got was an elbow across the bridge of my nose and a blindfold tied around my eyes. I coughed when blood ran down my throat, but another elbow to my ribs made it clear these guys wanted silence.
       We drove around for at least a half hour before the car lurched to a stop and I was unceremoniously dragged out and into what had to be a greenhouse. I've spent enough time in Nero Wolfe's plant room to know the feel of a greenhouse. I was shoved roughly to a halt and heavy booted footsteps approached.
       "Monsieur Archie Goodwin?" asked a ridiculously fake French accent.
       "That's me," I said hesitantly, expecting another elbow jab, but it didn't come.
       I felt a piece of paper being shoved into my shirt pocket and the phony Frenchman said, "I have a message to be delivered to your employer."
       Before thinking, I blurted out, "There's a little thing called a mail box - perhaps you've heard of it?" The blow to my stomach was swift and hard. It knocked the wind out of me and doubled me over, but two sets of heavy arms pulled me back up.
       Once I quit sputtering, Mr. Faux Frenchman informed me that, "Your well known insolence will not be tolerated here, Monsieur Goodwin."
       "Sorry, it's a flaw in my character." You'd think I would learn to shut up. The next blow came before I had even finished my sentence and this time, I definitely heard the crack of bone. I hoped it was the bastard's hand, but the pain in my side told me it was most likely a rib. I also lost my lunch, which must have hit someone's shoes because I heard a muffled curse and took another bone crushing blow to the ribs. I fell to my knees and tried to breathe.
       After a disgusted grunt, my host - who suddenly seemed to have lost most of his Frenchness - told his goons to, "Teach him some manners and then drop him off."
       As they dragged me outside again, I managed to mutter, "Was it something I said?" before they started pounding on me. There must have been at least four of them because the blows were coming from everywhere at once. Next thing I remember was the blindfold being torn off and me being shoved out of a moving car.

       Once my vision cleared enough to see where I was, I recognized my own front door. My hands were still tied behind me - at least, I hoped they were, but since I couldn't actually feel them, I couldn't be sure where they were. With a tremendous effort, I managed to make it to the door and lean on the buzzer. Since I was the one who usually opened the door, I wondered idly who I would collapse on. I think it was Fritz.

       When I woke up again, it was to find Fritz Brenner fussing over me. "Stop fussing over me, Fritz, " I croaked.
       "Ah, you are awake!" Fritz exclaimed in that old world European manner he has. "We were afraid you would never awaken."
       "We?"
       "Herr Wolfe and myself. And your friend, Miss Spinelli, of course."
       Susan! Nuts! I'd forgotten all about her. "She okay?" I asked.
       "Oh, yes. Well, she was a little upset, of course - all the crying and babbling …"
       I could well imagine how Nero Wolfe reacted to that. He could hardly handle women at the best of times, but a hysterical woman weeping in his own office? I grinned at the thought, but that hurt my face, so I quit and turned my attention back to Fritz.
       He was still talking. "She fainted when she saw you, of course. Well, I almost fainted myself, what with all that blood."
       "What's the verdict?" I interrupted.
       "Verdict?"
       "Will I live?"
       "Probably." Fritz grinned down at me. It was a genuine smile - not the exasperated grimace usually flashed at Wolfe.
       I tried to grin back, but the pain probably ruined the effect.
       "Dr. Collins says you have … " and he concentrated as if trying to recall the exact words, "A fractured cheekbone, a broken nose and two cracked ribs, as well as several cuts, abrasions and contusions." He looked down at me. "Sounds quite nasty."
       I moaned in agreement and when I tried to move, the pain proved the accuracy of the doctor's diagnosis.
       "You should not move, Herr Goodwin," Fritz warned me. "You need your rest."
       I sighed. "Did the doc say when I could move again?"
       "In a few days."
       "Good. I have a date with Susan on Friday and, under the circumstances, I really can't stand her up."
       "But today is Friday."
       "WHAT?!"
       Fritz took a half step back at my outburst and said, "Ja, today is Friday."
       "I've been out for five days?"
       Fritz nodded. "That is right. We were getting worried."
       I tried to get up, wincing from the pain, but Fritz tried to push me back down. For a skinny old man, he was more powerful than he looked. We went on like that for what seemed a very long time - me groaning and Fritz muttering 'no, you mustn't ' - until I snapped and roared "FRITZ!"
       That stopped him cold.
       Slowly, and with feeling, I explained it to him. "I must see Susan tonight and I must have a shower before I see Susan tonight and I must get out of this bed before I can take a shower before I can see Susan tonight. Do you understand?"
       "I understand this is not a good idea, Herr Goodwin," he replied, but he released his grip on me and stepped back so I could very painfully sit up and swing my legs over the side of the bed.
       "You can not, of course, take a shower by yourself, " he was saying. "You are far too weak to be trusted in a wet shower stall."
       I managed a chuckle and started to say, "What, are you planning to join me in the - ?" but when I turned my head, I found Fritz half naked and realized he really did intend to climb into the shower with me! "Fritz," I grinned. "I've never seen this side of you before."
       "And, God willing, you never will again, Herr Goodwin. Careful now."
       He was stark naked now and as he gently helped me out of the bed, I realized I was too. The walk to my bathroom was not far, but it was painful. My body was stiff and I felt like I'd taken one hell of a pummeling, which of course, I had.
       Fritz got the water hot and helped me into the shower, then damned if he didn't climb in with me! I hadn't believed he actually would.
       The stream of water stung a bit as it hit my numerous bruises, but the heat was soothing none-the-less. I was standing facing the water - my arms out, hands bracing myself against the wall, my head back and my eyes closed. Fritz was behind me and when he started lathering my shoulders with soap, I started to ask, "Do you really think this is nec-?" but I didn't have a chance to finish my question before Fritz reached around to lather my crotch and all thought fled my head. His firm, but gentle hands worked they're way up my chest and then through my hair.
       "Rinse."
       "Hmmmmm," I mumbled absently.
       "You must rinse the soap off."
       "Oh, right." I stepped closer to the spray and moaned as the hot water flowed over my head and down my battered body. Fritz was still behind me and I knew without looking that the hot water and gentle attention had brought me fully erect. I turned and braced myself against the back wall, trapping Fritz between me and the wall. He's older than me, of course, but his body is lean and hard.
       "Herr Goodwin?" he said, one graceful eyebrow raised.
       "Oh, please, Fritz," I purred seductively. "We're naked - you can call me Archie."
       He hesitated a moment, not sure how to respond, and then he began to say, "If you're done, I think - " but I cut him off with a kiss. He reacted to my probing with passion at first which, frankly, surprised me, but then he pulled away and blushed furiously.
       "Sorry, Fritz," I purred again. "But I seem to be somewhat … aroused."
       He glanced down and told me - with all his usual aplomb, "Well, Archie, you will just have to deal with that yourself, I'm afraid."
       I leaned in for another kiss, but he deftly ducked under my arm and stepped out of the shower. I caught a glimpse of firm buns as the shower door closed and I grinned. But then I glanced down and realized I would indeed have to take care of this myself. I also realized just how bruised and battered I was - I wasn't sure my wrist was up to the task.

       Once I got out of the shower, I dared look at myself in the wall mirror. I did look like Hell. There were a couple butterfly bandages over a gash across my forehead, both eyes were blackened and my nose was bandaged, my left cheek was swollen and my right cheek had a signet ring shaped bruise. Both wrists were bandaged - what had they tied my wrists with, anyway? My ribs were bandaged, but there were bruises visible on my upper chest and neck - I turned and found more on my shoulders and back as well. My arms and legs were bruised too - they must have kicked me when I was down. Who the hell were they, anyway? Wolfe must surely have figured it all out by now. I felt anger welling up from my gut. No, maybe that was hunger - I hadn't eaten in five days, after all.
       I walked out of the bathroom to find Fritz - fully dressed again - ready and waiting with another towel and clean, dry bandages. As he doctored me - carefully ignoring my nakedness - I asked if there was a possibility of my getting something to eat. He said of course and once I was dressed (which took longer than I would like to admit), we headed downstairs for the kitchen. It was 4:30 in the afternoon already, so Nero Wolfe would be shut up in his plant room now until 6, so I would have to speak to him after my date with Susan.

       Susan Spinelli - I hoped she was really all right. Fritz said she was. She was a tough gal - at least, that's what I told myself as I approached her door. I rang the bell and waited. When the door opened, Susan took one look at me and stifled a yelp. I frowned, but then realized what a sight I must have made and took her in my arms.
       "I'm okay, baby," I told her.
       "Oh, Archie, I was afraid you were dead."
       "No, not me - I'm indestructible." I grinned at her and she grinned back.
       "You better sit down," she told me and led me to the sofa.
       After a somewhat uncomfortable pause, I asked, "Did they hurt you?"
       "No, they never touched me. I don't think they even knew I was there. But who were they?"
       "Well, that I don't know - I haven't actually spoken to Nero Wolfe yet."
       She frowned and stroked my cheek gently. "Your lovely face, Archie," she said.
       "It'll heal, Susan," I said with more conviction than I felt. "I'll be good as new in no time."

       Nero Wolfe was reading at his desk when I got back. I eased myself carefully onto the leather sofa and sighed. When Wolfe didn't look up, I sighed again. Just when I thought I would have to sigh yet again, Wolfe spoke up.
       "Glad to see you up and about, Archie."
       "Glad to be seen up and about," I replied.
       "Your loud lady friend doing all right, is she?"
       "Yes, well, she's quite all right, thank you." I almost grinned at the 'loud' bit, but instead I explained, "She dumped me."
       "Did she?"
       "Yeah. Said she couldn't handle my violent lifestyle."
       "Pity." I could tell he was pleased, though.
       "Yes. She was a great dancer, you know."
       "Oh, I'm sure."
       "Okay, enough chatter - who beat the hell out of me, why and what have you done about it?"
       He finally put the book down and I got a glimpse of his right hand.
       "What's that bandage around your hand?"
       "Oh, that's nothing."
       But I knew what it was and I couldn't help but feel a surge of pride. "You popped him one, didn't you?" I said with a grin.
       "Nonsense."
       But I persisted. "You actually went out and found this guy - and then you popped him one!" I leaned a little closer. "Did he go down?"
       "I assure you, Archie, I do not go around … popping people."
       "Was it a right cross? Or maybe an upper cut - or a jab? What? Did he hit back? Were his goons around? Did you at least have Saul with you?"
       "Archie …" He went all serious and sighed. "I want to sincerely apologize for the ordeal you went through on my behalf. The man with the phony French accent - "
       "Oh, you found out about that, did you?"
       "You were quite chatty when you collapsed into Fritz's arms."
       "Was I?" So it was Fritz who answered the door that night. "I don't remember."
       "I'm not surprised. At any rate, that man was a rival who got a bit over zealous with - "
       "Rival what?"
       Wolfe hesitated a moment and cleared his throat. He mumbled something.
       "Sorry?" I questioned. "It sounded like you said ….. orchid man?"
       "Yes, Archie, that's right." The big man sighed. "A rival orchid man who thought he could intimidate me into pulling out of the competition this year by …… well, by attacking you. And I am very sorry about that, Archie."
       I was still grinning when Fritz came in with hot cocoa. "And so, you - "
       "Popped him one, yes," Wolfe finally conceded.
       'Wow,' I thought. That was really something for the books. The big man cared enough for me to actually put himself in harm's way. I was touched. When Fritz handed me my cup of cocoa, I patted him on the backside. His face went red and he hmphed on his way out.
       "What was that about?" Wolfe asked behind raised eyebrows.
       "Nothing," I said as I grinned broadly.
       "I am glad you're going to be all right, Archie."
       "There any chance of a wage raise, Sir?"
       "No."
       "Oh, thank you so much."
       "I think I shall drink this in my room now, if it's all the same to you, Archie."
       I gestured that it was fine with me and watched him exit - my self-satisfied grin never fading. Once I drank my cocoa, I found I really ached too much to bother trying to walk back upstairs, so I fell asleep there on the sofa. When I woke the next morning, I found someone had draped a blanket over me. I grinned again. I knew I could milk this incident for all it was worth and Nero Wolfe wouldn't have the nerve to put me back in my place for quite some while.